The Sacred Nature Of Choosing For Ourselves
Choices are a major part of our lives. Virtually every moment of our lives we are faced with decisions that need to be made, and whether we are conscious or not, we make choices in everything we do.
A decision to do one thing is a decision not to do another thing and our choices impact not only us, but those around us, the environment around us, and circumstances around us. Whether positive, negative, or ineffective, there are consequences for every choice we make, meaning that our choices bear weight, hold importance, and have impact.
When we understand the power of choice in our lives, we can better understand how to utilize it in order to become our best selves, live more authentically, and have influence.
Choice is something that we determine for ourselves and it matters significantly because it is linked to one of three basic psychological needs identified by researchers as driving human behavior.
Autonomy speaks to our capacity to make uncoerced and informed decisions as a means of acting on one’s own values and in one’s own interest. When we are given the ability to choose for ourselves it allows us to feel in control of ourselves and our lives. Choices liberate us and contribute to our overall sense of well-being.
When autonomy and freedom of choice is lacking, it can impact mental health in negative ways. Generally, people lacking autonomy experience higher levels of stress, have difficulty regulating and expressing emotions, and have higher instances of mental health ailments such as anxiety and depression.
Meanwhile, those who have autonomy in their lives feel more empowered and more in control of their lives leading to higher levels of self-confidence, more mental clarity, decreased levels of stress and anxiety, greater achievement, and more happiness and wellness overall.
On the other hand, a person who possesses autonomy and freedom of choice experiences a variety of benefits that can offer people the chance to develop a deeper understanding of themselves and their values and beliefs.
This then aids people in the ability to reason, appreciate perspectives, and debate freely with others while still being able to act independently.
Benefits Of Having The Freedom Of Choice
1| Personal Development
Freedom of choice can help individuals mature and grow. As people engage in autonomy they develop to a state where they are able to govern and control themselves in a healthy manner.
Individualization is a major part of this whereby people are able to develop and sustain close relationships with others while also developing a strong sense of self simultaneously. Thus, autonomy becomes crucial to helping people develop their own identity, decide who they wish to become, and how they choose to engage with the world.
2| Enhanced Performance
As a person makes more choices for themselves and feels more in control and empowered, they tend to be more successful. This is because acting more in your own interests boosts self-esteem in a way that leads people to take more risks which tend to lead to rewards. Not only that, but people who are more confident as a result of enhanced autonomy tend to be more resilient, meaning they learn from and bounce back from challenges quicker and easier. This makes it so that they can apply learned lessons to future situations which leads to enhanced performance
3| Improved Relationships
Relationships where each individual involved is given a healthy measure of free choice leads to better relationships. This is because each individual is free to be themselves and act in a manner that serves their needs and interests.
Tension and conflict that could come from one person exerting control over another ceases to exist and each person is free to exist as their true selves within the relationship, leading to a healthier and more authentic dynamic.
4| Decreased Emotional Distress
The more freedom you have to make choices for yourself the less stress you experience related to feelings of being controlled and limited. Freedom of choice means less instances of anxiety, emotional strain, or depression and less chances of engaging in risky behavior or exhibiting poor emotional control as a response to lack of personal agency.
5| Increased Satisfaction
When a person has greater control over their choices and decisions, they are likely to feel more content with life. Being able to operate in a manner that serves you and your own interests makes you feel as though your needs and wants are being met, thereby leading to an increased sense of happiness and contentment with life.
Making choices for yourself creates freedom and satisfaction that can reduce stress and enhance positive feelings.
6| Self-Esteem
The more empowered a person feels to make choices for themselves, the better a person feels about themselves. As you see yourself making choices that lead to success and improve your quality of life and happiness, you tend to develop greater belief in your capabilities and decision-making which boosts overall confidence.
It is important to point out that while freedom to choose is empowering and beneficial, managing too many choices can be a detriment when it comes to time, energy, and focus.
Scientific evidence examining choice and decision making as well as the way to make good choices has noted that on average people are only 22% more likely to make the best and most objective choice when we see all the options at once.
Most people tend to save time and energy not by considering every option there is to consider, but rather by looking for options that match their own standards regarding the decisions and then measuring each of those choices until they find the one that is the best fit for their standards.
Though this can be a useful method for making good choices, if you desire to become a person who brings new innovations and insights to various areas of your life you will benefit greatly from stepping outside of ideas that match your own standards and considering outside perceptions. This helps you to see possibilities beyond your own typical decision making process.
Major Life Choices And Their Impact
While our entire lives are flanked by choices, there are some choices that can hold greater weight than others. Major life choices are those where you intentionally make a decision between two or more options knowing that the outcome of your decision will have significant and often long-term impacts for yourself and others.
What constitutes a major life choice for people can certainly be individual and personal, but there tends to be a general consensus among most people regarding the most common major life choices and their impacts. The following are considered the ‘Super-Categories’ of major decisions
1| Career
Career decisions can encompass a variety of scenarios such as
Starting or quitting a job, starting, or closing a business, joining, or leaving the military, and retiring from a career. Career choices are considered major life choices for several reasons. One such reason is that people spend many years in their careers, so choosing one that offers security and fulfillment is of great significance.
Additionally since careers tend to fund lifestyles and provide for basic needs, the choice to leave a career could lead to instability and insecurity that could have lasting impacts.
2| Education
Major education decisions can involve whether or not to pursue further education, where to pursue education, and what specific educational pursuit to go after (i.e. major or degree). These are considered major life choices because they tend to set the tone and track for a person’s life. Educational pursuits often dictate future career choices, influence finances, and ultimately can impact one’s sense of happiness if the pursuit of educational goals aligns with one’s values and passions.
3| Family
Major life choices related to family are some of the most crucial and most important to people. Such choices include having a child, caring for a family member, getting a pet, having a relative move in, or even ending the life of a loved one (i.e. ending life support).
Family holds close personal connections to us so anything that impacts or affects the people in our lives that we care about proves to hold great weight and meaning.
4| Finances
Choices to buy or sell a home, make a large purchase, establish, or enforce a budget, pursue an investment, take social security, create a will, or start a retirement plan can all be considered major life choices.
This is because finances influence virtually every part of our lives. We need money to maintain comfortable living and pursue nearly anything we want. Thus, any financial decision we make influences virtually every other area of our lives.
5| Relationships
Major life choices when it comes to relationships can include beginning or ending a romantic or non-romantic relationship, getting married, getting divorced, engaging in sexual activity, or divulging secret information. Relationships are personal and meaningful to us and involve people who are close and meaningful to us. Thus any decision related to relationships tends to impact our emotions and influence our futures in significant ways.
6| Relocation
Relocation speaks to moving, whether that’s to a new home, a new city, a new state, or even a new country. Moving to a new location is a major life decision because it requires a lot from us and influences a lot in our lives.
Often our families, relationships, and finances are heavily linked to a choice to relocate. Additionally, we have a lot of personal responsibility in terms of transferring belongings, jobs, pets, medical professionals, and many other things when we relocate.
7| Self-Destruction
Decisions to self-harm or stop self-harm, abuse substances, or pursue help to stop an addiction, or even committing a crime can all be related to self-destruction. These choices hold major weight because the consequences of these choices can be major and lead to drastic health and emotional damage as well as punishment from the legal system.
8| Self-Development
There are many things that can be included within the realm of self-development decisions such as accepting one’s sexuality, pursuing religion, changing physical appearance, learning a new skill, engaging in a hobby, getting medical treatment, or even traveling can be a part of major self-development decisions.
These are major because they influence our beliefs, values, and behavior. Who we are as people and what we do in life is influenced by our personal development in these areas and the choices we make (or don’t make) can impact the direction our lives take in major ways.
How To Promote Choice In Your Life
Making choices for yourself can be easier for some people than others. Thankfully, promoting choice and growing comfortable in making choices for yourself is something that can be learned overtime. Via some of the methods mentioned above, making choices for yourself can become second-nature which can help make life easier for you overall.
1| Make Choices for Yourself
Choices are your means of taking control over your life. When you make choices, you promote your own interests and beliefs and advocate for yourself. Rather than consulting others or relying on others regarding decisions to be made, get comfortable stepping out on your own and choosing for yourself. It leads to empowerment and builds self-confidence in your decision-making abilities, thereby encouraging you to choose more.
2| Own Your Choices
After you have made a decision, stand beside it. This is important to do even in instances where your choice turns out to be a poor one. Often, people back down from their decisions when they face questions or push-back from others.
This exposes you as weak-minded and can present an opportunity for others to come in and step over you in order to promote their wants. Standing by choices, even bad ones, helps you develop a sense of ownership that builds character and resilience.
3| Share Your Thoughts
Get into the habit of making your thoughts known to others. You have a voice and it matters. Too often people allow their thoughts and opinions to be overlooked because they fear what others might think or they fear confrontation or because they simply doubt themselves. When you get in the habit of making your voice heard, it strengthens your ability to advocate and act for yourself.
4| Embrace Mistakes
Mistakes tend to make people doubt themselves and their abilities in a way that deters them from advocating for themselves and acting in their own interests. Mistakes can make people feel ill-equipped or not worthy to act on their own values and interests.
However, embracing mistakes as a part of life helps build resilience and teaches valuable lessons and skills that can enhance confidence and make one more likely to act.
5| Take Risks
Risks can be scary because they present opportunities to fail but taking risks can enhance autonomy by helping you own outcomes, even when those outcomes are less than positive. The more comfortable you become taking chances which includes making tough choices, the better you become at it.
Eventually you’ll find that risks often lead to rewards which can solidify your confidence in your decision-making abilities and aid you in making good choices for yourself in the future.
6| Get Feedback
Getting feedback from others can be quite useful in the pursuit of autonomy. Feedback from others can uncover ways in which you don’t embrace or pursue autonomy that you might not be aware of yourself.
However, close friends, family members, and even co-workers can sometimes be alert to these things and can not only make us more aware but also offer suggestions as to how we can embrace and pursue more autonomy in our lives.
7| Be Yourself
The best way perhaps to promote autonomy in your life is to be your true self. Often, we can allow influences to alter our beliefs, perceptions, and core values which then changes the nature of the decisions we make, leading us to do what is more like others or more of the norm.
However, authenticity allows you to be more comfortable with the choices you would make, caring less about the opinions of others and more about your own needs, wants, and desires.
How To Make Choices Amidst Tough Circumstances
There are times in life when it is more difficult than others to make a choice. Various circumstances and obstacles can complicate the decision-making process to the point where inaction seems like the best choice. However, there are ways to work through these challenges and still make sound choices even when faced with hardships.
1| Consider Possible Outcomes
The key to making good decisions when faced with challenges is not to be so spontaneous or quick to act that you fail to consider important factors and potential outcomes. Taking time to pause and consider how the choice you desire to make may end up in the grand scheme can help you to spot when you might be making a poor choice that could lead to a negative outcome beforehand.
While there is no way we can know for sure what could happen given various choices we are presented with, taking time to consider possible outcomes proves to be a responsible way to plan, prepare, and make the most reasonable decision based on one’s thoughtful analysis.
2| Involve Your ‘Head’ And ‘Heart’
Some would suggest that trusting your emotions is flawed and that logic reigns supreme when making choices. Others would say that intuition holds more weight than facts and figures when making decisions.
However, it’s actually a thoughtful blend of the two that can lead to good decisions especially amidst pressure. Both our intellect and our intuition have value and when combined can aid us in making a decision that best aligns with our values while logically leading us to the best possible outcome based on information and stats.
3| Consider Input From Others
We must reconcile that we don’t know everything there is to know about everything. This means that the input and expertise of other people can prove to be very valuable for us, especially when we find ourselves in situations that prove to be difficult.
Consulting other people for information, opinions, or even resources can prove to be quite useful in helping us come to solid conclusions and ultimately help us make the best choices.
4| Get Informed
It is difficult to make choices when you are not well informed about what is going on. Making sure you have the correct and enough information and data to make informed decisions is important so that you can draw a conclusion based on the entire picture and not just bits and pieces. When you are armed with information it puts you in the best decision to make a good decision.
5| Have A Backup Plan
Another way to make a good choice in the midst of challenges is to have a backup plan. Even the best decisions can lead to negative outcomes, so having a plan just in case your first one doesn’t work out is a great way to be prepared and avoid a scenario when you are caught off guard.
Having an alternate plan can actually help you to feel more confident in the choice you ultimately make because you know there is another option if you should need it.
Lessons Learned From Bad Choices
It must be noted that we all make poor decisions from time to time, and the impact of those poor choices can range from minor to major. While there can be negative consequences linked to bad choices we make, there can also be lessons learned that help us to grow and become better as human beings.
1| Acceptance
Every person is bound to make a poor choice, thus learning to sit with failure is a skill that we can learn if we are open to it. The failures linked to bad choices teach us to accept the things we cannot change and acknowledge the reality of what is. It is not until we have embraced and acknowledged something that we can truly begin to move beyond it.
As we embrace what has occurred, we can then move to analyzing what went wrong, learning from the experience, and discarding the rest so that progress can be made.
Accepting failure becomes the first active step in trying something new and making continued progress towards your goals in life.
2| Confidence
While initially a mistake made as a result of poor decision making can be a blow to our confidence, ultimately this mistake can be the first stop on a path to increased confidence if we channel it properly.
Certified Life Coach Pam Bauer noted in an article for the Huffington Post that developing the ability to be good at falling down and getting back up helps people become confident going into new situations because they have the reassurance that they will ultimately be fine no matter the outcome.
Essentially, the act of failing makes you more comfortable with failing because you understand that failing is not a direct reflection of your overall worth, value, knowledge, or abilities. Thus, you can fail while still holding the belief that you can and eventually will reach a positive outcome.
3| Courage
Courage speaks to one’s ability to persist and continue in pursuit despite fear that may be experienced. Making a bad choice and then choosing not to let that choice define you or stop you from moving forward exhibits courage in an extraordinary way.
As we choose to move forward past bad decisions, the less power they ultimately are able to have over us. Thus, we begin to build up a muscle of courage that allows us to embrace risks, take chances, and be given more opportunities to succeed.
4| Credibility
Another lesson that can be gleaned from bad choices is that of credibility. While it may seem like success would be the better qualification for credibility, mistakes and mishaps actually serve as a stronger source of credibility.
When we fail, we learn.
Through the process of assessment and analysis we gain clarity about what went wrong, why it went wrong, and then we begin to develop solutions and alternate plans as a means of achieving success.
The experience and knowledge that we gain when we make a bad choice, helps us to make better decisions and wiser choices moving forward. We can then go into a secondary situation with first-hand knowledge of what to avoid and why because you just walked through the experience.
Additionally, the process of failing makes you more relatable to others because failing is a universal experience. Thus, people are more willing to be vulnerable with you, engage with you, and work with you when they see you as someone just like themselves- imperfect but still willing to keep working towards success.
5| Flexibility
Poor choices can also help us to develop flexibility in our lives. When we make a bad choice, we are forced to approach the situation with critical and analytical eyes that help us make the needed adjustments and alterations that better align with our pursuits and goals.
Analysis breeds understanding and understanding breeds creativity. It is then our creativity that gives us the ability to pivot from our previous thinking and decision making in order to try new methods, apply new practices, and consult new resources so that we can generate fresh and new ideas that lead to success.
6| Growth
Making poor choices can also give us the unique ability to actually gain and enhance as a direct result of something viewed as a loss. Failure can create a learning and development environment where we are able to consistently recognize failure (small and large), systematically analyze them, and proactively search for opportunities to experiment.
Continually engaging in this process inevitably leads to increased knowledge, enhanced skills, and ultimately growth which gets you closer to your desired goals.
Given this model of detection, analysis, and experimentation, making mistakes becomes viewed less as something to be avoided, but more so something to be both expected and accepted.
7| Humility
There can be something quite humbling about making a bad choice. We are suddenly forced to confront our imperfections, lack of knowledge, and lack of skill when a bad choice is made on our behalf. This realization should not be internalized as a means of developing a low sense of self-worth or self-esteem.
Rather this realization can provide some balance regarding your view of yourself as compared to others. It’s in your own failure that you become more understanding of and forgiving of others who make mistakes because you realize you aren’t above it.
Research on humility suggests that humility, which can be fostered through our poor choices, provides great value. Humility has been linked with enhanced job and academic performance, as well as excellence in leadership.
Additionally, research goes on to suggest that humility improves social relationships because those who are humble tend to be more forthcoming about their own failures and flaws, more forgiving, more grateful, and more cooperative.
8| Learning
Critical information and knowledge is also obtained when we make bad choices, and often the only way that information could be gained is through this process of failure. When we make bad choices, our reality is challenged. We are forced to face the fact that our initial ways of thinking and processing were not valid, and then we have to draw conclusions based on this information.
This often leads to a period of discovery or revelation where we see flaws in our logic, errors in our thinking, and become aware of alternate perspectives or methods we otherwise would not have been aware of or exposed to.
A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology in the early 90’s found that discussing mistakes resulted in higher rates of learning. In the studies, authored by Shmuel Ellis from Tel Aviv University, two companies of soldiers in the Israel Defense Forces were followed. Soldiers from each group were tested for their performance on navigation exercises and then given after-action reviews to discuss the details of their performance.
The first company of soldiers went through a series of event reviews that focused solely on their mistakes. The second company of soldiers went through event reviews that focused on what could be learned from both their successes and their failures.
Study results found that the experience of failure led to richer mental models than the experience of success amongst the studied soldiers (Sutton, 2007).
9| Opportunity
At first glance it may seem like our mistakes can limit opportunities, but for the person who is looking, making poor choices can also create opportunities. Failure creates limitations that cause us to have to reassess and readapt.
We are often forced to increase our creativity as a means of generating new and fresh ideas and in order to attract new resources that can be implemented to solve the problem in a different manner. It is this enhanced creativity that creates new doors of opportunity. When we are forced to stretch outside the realm of our comfort, normal patterns of thinking, and traditional methods of addressing issues we open the door for new ideas, new discoveries, and new opportunities.
Additionally, opportunity also exists in the form of feedback. When we fail, we are given the chance whether through our own reflection or the outside review of someone else, to gain feedback about our strengths, weaknesses, and areas of improvement.
This then gives us the opportunity to improve ourselves and alter conditions so that we can ultimately get better and closer to our goals.
10| Patience
The development of patience is an often overlooked or underrated benefit that poor choices offer us. It can be understandably frustrating to make an attempt toward a goal and not achieve it. Typically, we all have a reactive initial response to failure.
We get angry, sad, disappointed, or whatever other emotion that characterizes the way failure can make a person feel. However, eventually, we push through those emotions and make the decision to move forward again in the pursuit of our goals.
What making a bad decision does, especially if it is repeated and prolonged, is to teach us to gain better control over our emotional responses to not getting the thing we want (achievement). Essentially this is the concept of delayed gratification versus instant gratification.
The more we fail, the more we are exposed to those negative emotions and the more we have to face them and gain control over them so that we can move forward. Eventually, we teach ourselves the art of waiting with the understanding that our goal will be reached at some point.
This means we learn how to fail without letting our emotions get the best of us or hold us hostage. We don’t get indignant or so depressed that we give up. Rather we assess how we feel, cope, and continue on doing that which will help us get to where we ultimately want to be.
11| Perseverance
One lesson we can learn from making bad choices is how to persevere. Perseverance is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.
When we make a bad choice that leads to a mistake or failure, we are presented with two options give up or try again. Choosing to learn from the poor choice and try again is what helps us develop the muscle of perseverance.
As we choose to recommit to our goals, we become more determined and clear about what matters, therefore allowing us to continue towards the pursuit of our goals and get closer to achieving the success we desire.
It’s via perseverance that we can begin to self-analyze and self-assess, reviewing the scenario of our poor choice, and identifying factors and elements that contributed to the mishap. That information can then be used to lead to a more satisfactory outcome moving forward.
12| Perspective
When we make a poor choice, it can be easy to fall into the trap of only seeing the negatives. We can choose to focus on the mistakes made and the things lost, or we have a valuable opportunity to gain valuable perspective in the midst of failure. If determined, failure can teach us optimism in the sense that we learn that failure is temporary. We can learn that rather than being the end destination, failure is simply a stop on the journey.
Dr. Sam Collins, executive coach and speaker, discussed it by saying, “Something good is happening here. Look for the greater message of the experience and expect it to, eventually, turn out for the good. Recognizing this gets easier with practice (Arruda, 2016).” With this more optimistic and hopeful perspective we become better equipped to bounce back from failure and make continued strides towards success after experiencing failure.
13| Resilience
Resilience is one’s ability to recover from tragedy, trauma, or hardship that is experienced in life. Making mistakes is one of the greatest ways to develop resilience. Resilience is like a muscle, the more you are put in situations that require you to respond resiliently, the stronger your resilience becomes.
Thus, mistakes and poor choices become a weight that can be used to fortify that muscle. Making poor choices forces us to learn how to cope and develop strategies that will help us navigate future challenges and potential failures.
The more we manage to bounce back from failure the less daunting it seems. This then increases our likelihood of taking risks that could lead to success.
14| Success
Though it seems contradictory to common sense, those who tend to make poor choices most often also tend to be the most successful long-term. History is filled with individuals who began with big fails or periods of prolonged failure that eventually turned into major and prolonged success.
This is because failure offers critical learning opportunities that cannot be provided in other ways. When we fail, we learn, grow, and expand in ways that help us as we attempt to tackle the challenge or problem again. Armed with the new knowledge or information we become better equipped and more prepared to handle the situation, and the chances of success are increased.
15| Support Systems
Often when we make bad choices it reveals to us the fact that we need assistance accomplishing the goal or task we set out to do. Through the process of reflection and analysis we identify gaps in our own knowledge and abilities.
It is at this point we begin to reach out to others that possess the knowledge, skills, or resources that we lack as a means of aiding us in achieving our goal. Whether that support network consists of family, friends, colleagues, or others who can offer physical and emotional support or resources and tools, identifying these support networks and adding them to our own processes strengthens our methodology, amplifies our resources, and increases our overall chances of success the next time we approach our goal.
Final Thoughts
It is clear to see how significant the power of choice is in our lives. Having the freedom to choose in our lives empowers us and liberates us to experience life at its best and fullest capacity. As we make choices for ourselves, we grow and see improvements in our relationships, self-esteem, mental health, and overall satisfaction in life.
Even as a person who may find it difficult to make choices for yourself, you can take measures to improve in this area and grow in your sense of autonomy. Actions such as making more choices, standing by your choices rather than compromising, embracing mistakes, sharing thoughts, and taking risks can all help you grow in this particular area.
Even in situations when you make choices that are not the best, you are not doomed as a result of those poor choices. You can get something from bad choices in that they can help you to gain perspective, gain confidence, become more flexible, develop courage, learn, grow, and develop resilience among other valuable life skills.
One can then apply these skills and lessons to future scenarios to help lead to better decisions and more favorable outcomes. This can be especially useful when it comes to major life decisions which are known to have significant and long-lasting impacts.
Being able to learn from mistakes in a way that leads to the most informed and favorable decisions when it comes to careers, education, finances, family, relationships, relocation, self-destruction, and self-development can lead to the best possible outcomes for our lives and those connected to us.
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